Why?

“Seth, why did you do that?”
“… Uuummm… I don’t know.”

This “conversation” is common in our home right now. It drives me crazy. My son intentionally does something and has no idea why. If he does not know why he is doing something, it probably is not a good idea. Ergo, he probably should not have done whatever it is he did. But more than that, why can’t he explain to me why he chose to do something.

My thinking is changing though. My parenting is changing. Did you know that developmentally, until age six or seven, children have trouble understanding and answering questions that call for reasons of an action. They have trouble comprehending questions like, “Why?”

I have been reading a book by Tedd Tripp called, Shepherding A Child’s Heart.

What is the problem here? Is it that Junior is simply refusing to talk? Probably not. He is simply being asked questions he cannot answer. He lacks the depth of understanding and self-reflection to be able to respond coherently to his mother’s questions. He needs to have the issues focused in a different way.

I admit, I have fallen prey to this line of thinking: “Why is he refusing to answer me?!” After reflecting on Tripp’s statement and observing my son, I really do not think he is refusing to answer me. He honestly cannot comprehend why he does many of the things he does.

What Now?

This new information is not an excuse for Seth to do things that he should not do. It does not give him a bad behavior pass. I will continue to push him to think about the “whys” of his actions. However, Tripp gives some suggestions as to how to better communicate with my four-year-old.

The “Why did you…” line of questioning never works with children (and rarely with adults). Here are some more productive questions:

1. “What were you feeling when you hit your sister?”
2. “What did your sister do to make you mad?”
3. “Help me understand how hitting her seemed to make things better.”
4. “What was the problem with what she was doing to you?”
5. “In what other ways could you have responded?”
6. “How do you think your response reflected trust or lack of trust in God’s ability to care for and protect you?”

Each answer to these questions can open other avenues of pursuit in understanding what was behind Junior’s behavior.

I have used many of these questions on Seth, and although he still cannot tell me “why,” he is communicating more. He is better able to think through what he has done.

One of my favorite questions is #5: “In what other ways could you have responded?” I am using this one a lot with Seth. As a four-year-old, he cannot always come up with other responses. It does give me an opening to discuss what other things he could have done.

For example:
“Seth, why did you throw the ball? You know we do not throw balls inside the house.”
“I don’t know.”
“Instead of throwing the ball to Jude, what could you have done instead?”
“I don’t know… roll it?”
“Yes! You could have rolled it. You could have passed it to him. You could have waited for him to walk over and get it.”
“Oh! Okay.”

He is beginning to understand his actions. He is starting to grasp the concept that his actions have reactions which can either be positive or negative. Based on what he does, he will either get in trouble, or he will be praised.

As a parent, I cannot be lazy though. I have to constantly keep my eyes on him so that I can praise him when he thinks through a situation. When he does roll the ball instead of chunking it, I have to be ready to congratulate him and continue to encourage him.

“Seth, was it a good idea to take the cushions off the couch while Jude is learning to climb? What might happen if Jude falls off? How can we have fun without putting anyone at risk?”